there are things i enjoy, different types of music, different types of media.
but sometimes ill look at them and wonder… "why do i like this? what does it do for me? do i even like it at all?"
im beginning to question everything it seems.
why do we do the things we do?
what exactly is "human nature"?
im one of those who has a strong moral code.
i try to do right everywhere i go, and i do no wrong to others.
thats the only thing that makes real sense to me.
whats right and whats wrong.
wrong is what causes direct negativity. right is what causes direct positivity.
all based on intentions.
i feel alone too.
its like.. the one thing i want, is love. like romantic love. sombody i can trust, sombody i can devote myself to. sombody who can be by my side.
im so lost.
i dont know who i am…
i feel intelligent, but not what most people would call intelligent. im immature, i dont take things seriously, well i try not to.
but i feel something deeper than all of that. i feel my mind has something more to offer. like a super intelligent philosophy or something.
but it gets more odd…
i feel different every few days.
i think i might be manic, or bipolar. it depends on what you call it.
somedays i wake up feeling great.
others i feel sad.
others i feel angry.
i know i should definately talk to somone about this.
but i cant afford a therapist.
and ive tried bringing it up to my mom, but she doesnt believe it.
i dont blame her though, mental "illness" runs in my family.
1 of my aunts and one of my uncles were bipolar/manic.
2 of my cousins have autism.
my mom had to deal with alot with my aunt/uncle.
my aunt would get into despression spells, and "try" to kill herself. she wasnt exactly trying to die, she was trying to get the attention.
and my uncle has had various manic highs/lows where he would go off his meds and out of his mind. i experienced one of them and it was scary. he was spending mad amounts of money he didnt have, he bought like 30 fancy phones, 5 1500 dollar laptops, he got a fully packed mustang with ALL the extras, then hed call us, and leave weird messages, like it would sound like he put the phone next to a blender, for like 5 minutes, then hed pick up, and say some random stuff in the phone in a dark voice. then hang up.
anyways, i wouldnt blame my mom for not believing it.
it seems the only person i could trully talk to it about is my cousin, because me and him both are almost exactly alike. with think the same way, we liek the same music, the same tv, the same this the same that. like we were supposed to be brothers.
but he lives far away, so we only get to talk once in a while. and we only get to see each other even less.
i honestly want to see somone about all this.
but i know if i do theyre gonna put me on all sorts of meds, which i will refuse to take until the day i die. the meds are one of the reasons my uncle is so messed up.
the doctors have put him on this, taken him off that, given him those, put him back on those, taken him back off this.
if its one of those anti depression/psychotic pills, hes taken it at some point or other. and usually in combination with about 5 others.
if he is on this, hes sad, if hes on that hes angry, if hes on those he has some sorta salt taste in his mouth.
i know if i go on meds, id end up the same way, either that or one of those pill freak drug addicts.
i just wanted to vent all this out, so its at least on the record somwhere.
as far as i know. im stable. ive got my mind. im smart enough to know not to do anything stupid.
i just need to tell sombody about this.
for the hope that maybe theres sombody out there who knows what im going through, that can help me out.
then again, i hope nobody is going through this. i wish this upon nobody.
i know i know i know. alot of you are gonna say "TLDR cool story bro tits or gtfo" if thats your path, so be it, i just ask of you to bite your toungues… or fingers.