I really hope the mods post this because it is the absolute truth and I have no one whatsoever to tell about it.
Last week I was headed down to a meditation retreat about ten hrs from my home. It is completely free. You get a room to share with one person and a bathroom to share with three. In a beautiful forest with cabins and a lake and all that. Catch is you can only meditate for the ten days. Can’t talk to anyone except teacher, no eye contact with the 70 people here, no talking, no reading, a vegetarian breakfast and lunch, no dinner or snacks. No caffeine, sugar or intoxicants. And I really believe the place helped me a ton.
Anyway, I stopped at the halfway point about five hrs to get a cheap motel room. This was on the way there last wk. so I check in and go to my room. Right next to my room there is a black dude standing there outside my room. I ask him the old and familiar question: "hey man, you mind if I ask you something?" He says what. I ask him if he knows where i can get a little weed. Btw, this is a huge but cheap motel in a major city. It was actually the biggest motel I ever saw that was also a dump. Anyway, he laughed and said he will knock on my door. Which he did, about fifteen min later.
Seeing it, I had high hopes. It looked good. I asked him to roll one into a blunt because I didn’t have my trusty little bowl. Which he did and took a couple hits and left. I smoked the rest. It really did nothing to me. I felt really nothing and very disappointed. There was a little left over that didn’t go into the blunt. Went to the store to get cigs so I could empty one out and fill it with weed. My joint rolling abilities are garbage, and I just stopped after a few tries years ago bc it would just completely waste all the weed and I would get zero smoke. Cuz I suck at it.
Anyway, I get the smokes and go back to my room, empty a cig and start filling it with weed. Then started the part I will never forget for the rest of my life and which I will always be grateful to god, or some cosmic force, or the concept of good luck,or just that woman police officer, even though I guess technically she had nothing to hold me on, but still, I am a complete pussy and I feel like she could have fucked me up a lot worse.
Someone started banging on the door really loud and hard. I first thought it was my neighbor who brought the herb 20 min earlier. But naturally, to be safe, I retreated to the bathroom with the weed and waited. The banging continued. I was so scared, I had never been so scared. I couldn’t believe it was happening. My most feared nightmare scenario was coming true before my eyes. Again, the banging. Terrified, I threw the weed and cig and all into toilet and flushed. I waited and the banging continued.
Finally after an eternity of this, but it must have been no more than perhaps a minute……I have no idea, as I lost all sense of time and just wanted it to be a horrible nightmare. I mean, I feared this kind of thing all my life so badly, and partly why I became a hermit and recluse is because I am so scared to leave my house high at all because of fear of being pulled over.
Anyway, so maybe one or two minutes went by. Finally, I opened the door, figuring person would never leave. If it had been my house, I would have let the assholes wear Their knuckles to the bone knocking, but it wasn’t. It was a motel room and I felt I had no choice but to open, their banging was loud and endless.
So the bitch says she would like to talk to me and not in the breezeway. She walks in and says the room smells like marijuana. I said I just checked in and it has nothing to do with me. She starts her interrogation, asks to search the room. I said there is no probable cause, she said the smell is probable cause and she can go get a warrant. Emptied my pockets, made me sit down. Walked all over the room, looked in bathroom. She motioned toward the drawer next to me and asked what is in there. I said just my ipad and cigs which were true, and opened it. Said I could really use a cig. She said it a non smoking room. Then she said what I was praying for, and which I remain thankful, so so thankful for, that I could take my stuff and leave. And right next to that drawer, in the trash, was a big stalk from the weed and the tobacco I emptied from the cig which she showed me and asked what it is. But right after that, she said I could take my ipad, cigs and leave. I mumbled "ok, sorry for any trouble".
I walked as fast as I could back to my car. I was terrified she would change her mind. The thing is, she probably did me no favor because they really had nothing to bust me for. I just feel like had the timing been a little tiny bit different, they could have caught me with it. I mean, I just feel like maybe my destiny was to be arrested that night but somehow, I just got really lucky. Maybe god really wanted me to go to that meditation retreat, or some cosmic force. So I left that hotel. I felt incredible exhilaration, so thankful and so relieved. I truly can’t recall when I felt like that last. I cried a little. It was incredibly scary for me and even now, I just can’t believe it. I have become so cavalier about weed that I will just go smoke it in an another city in a motel room without second thought. Usually I do it in the shower with the water off and the curtain drawn and then run the shower for about fifteen minutes and the steam will usually dissipate all the smoke. Hell, I have done that in hotels hundreds of times because I have lived in those sleazy weekly motel type places for years, altogether, over the last two decades.
Ever since I returned from the retreat, I have not smoked at all, and also truly not felt the urge. I do however want to say that you all were 100 percent about my text message quitting approach. Although it did keep me quit for a month, after that it did nothing. And I went back out to projects for another month and a half. Continued to do the text thing. But I don’t believe at all that is what is keeping me clean. What it is was all that time meditating, no meat or caffeine or sugar or intoxicants. Haven’t had one piece of chocolate either since going to the retreat. I usually have a low grade addiction to candy esp after smoking.
Also, simple and raw fear of the police is helping me stay away from the projects. They left a menacing note at my front door, anonymous of course, because I wrote a letter to the local hospital informing my intention to sue both them and police. It is a good case but will go nowhere. People like me can’t get justice. They left another menacing sign on my back door, which I won’t elaborate. Pigs could be reading this and probably are. The beauty of American democracy really hits home with me when the police are too chickenshit to come my door, even with a poor foreigner like me with zero power and connections. To me, that really is like the constitution and bill of rights as living, breathing documents. Via (only registered users can se the link, login or register)